This story of degeneracy takes place eight years ago when I woke up one morning, stepped outside, took a deep breath, and got real high. I screamed to the top of my lungs “What’s goin’ on?” Much to my surprise, a black Cadillac in the neighborhood slowed down and pulled up right in front of me. I couldn’t see inside the tinted windows, then the driver window rolled down. A ghastly old man sat inside. He kind of looked like Jack Nicholson.
“Hey Sonny, I’m Wild Bill. I’m going down to a poker game. Care to join me?” he said.
I was 18 years old, nervous as hell. “I’ve never played poker before. I’ve only seen the World Series of Poker on television. I’m only 18.”
Bill smiled. “Well you are old enough to play kiddo. I’ll teach ya on the way. What’s your name?”
“Bartholomew,” I responded.
“Okay Bart. Hop in, we’re gonna make a boat load of money together.”
I was intrigued. I worked as a grocery bagger at the local supermarket. I never even had more than a thousand dollars to my name, let alone millions. I hopped in the passenger seat and we were on our way.
Learning the Game
Bill told me all the basics on how to play poker and make money at it during the drive. He’d been a professional for 39 years, made millions from the game. I told him I only had 20 bucks on me and asked if it was enough. He laughed.
“Bucko, I’m going to stake you. Staking is a business deal between poker players. I’ll give you money to play, and you get to keep a certain percent of the profits. Today I’m going to give you $2000. That’s 2 buyins in the 5/10 no-limit holdem game we’ll be playing. You get to keep 20% of all the profits you make today. If you lose, well we’ll get to that later, but since it’s your first time, you’ve got beginner’s luck and nothing to worry about.”
He handed over $2000 and said, “Don’t think of doing anything silly kid. Put that money in your crotch so no one can try to steal it from you.”
I obeyed Bill’s orders and stuck it in my whitey tighties.
Into the Underground
We arrived at this bar around 2PM. I nervously asked, “The game is in here? Is this area safe?”
“Barty, don’t worry about it. There’s never been a problem here with Wild Bill around.”
We walked in and Bill told the bartender to unlock the door to the back room. Inside was a gambler’s paradise. Two blackjack tables, a craps table, roulette, and three poker tables. A floorman named Lonny walked up and shook Bill’s hand. Bill introduced me as his nephew who wanted to play some 5/10 Holdem. Lonny laughed and said anything for Bill was fine.
We each took a seat at the 5/10 table. Bill called out “Chips!” and handed the chip runner 1k. Then the runner walked up to me and asked how much I wanted. I just remembered my money was still in my underwear. I blushed, stood up, turned around, reached in my underwear, pulled out the money and handed the man 1k.
The table burst out with laughter. The runner gave me a disgusted look and took the money. He returned with chips and the game resumed.
The Disaster Hand
The very first hand, I grabbed my cards and put them right up to my face. Jack four offsuit. The table announced it was my turn to act. I mumbled, “What do I do? What are my options?”
One player named Paul, who had yellowed teeth and smelled like body odor mixed with an unwiped arse, said “Quack quack, you trying to hustle us kid? Quack quack.”
“No I’m not. This is honestly my first time playing and I have no clue how to play,” I said.
Bill put his palm on his forehead and shook his head. Paul snickered. “Well then you should probably raise. But you can call or fold too.”
The dealer announced it was $35 to call. I grabbed a substantial amount of green chips and threw them in the middle. They went flying and rolling all over the place. After a few minutes, the dealer organized all the chips together and announced my raise was to $325. Bill had a menacing look on his face that said “Do you remember anything I told you?”
The initial raiser called. The flop rolled out four, four, jack. He said he was putting me all in. He had at least 4k back. I was flustered. I had no clue as to the strength of my hand. I took a double look at my cards and saw all of them matched the board. I remembered a poker movie I once saw.
“Well I’ll see that raise,” I said, then reached in my underwear and pulled out the rest of my money. “And I’ll raise you another $1000.”
The table was in an uproar. “YOU CAN’T RAISE MONEY OFF THE TABLE IT’S TABLE LIMITS KID!” shouted Paul.
The initial raiser responded, “Guys, guys, settle down it’s ok. I’ll allow it. I call your bet kid. Let’s see what you got.”
I nervously flipped over my cards.
Almost Killed
My opponent stood up and slowly walked behind me. This man was huge, like the Arnold Schwarzenegger of poker. He grabbed me by the sides and lifted me up like I weighed nothing. I’m about 5’11”, 180 pounds. He threw me against the wall.
“YOU CHEATER! I KNOW YOU’RE CHEATING AND YOU KNOW HOW TO PLAY! I’M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS LITTLE BITCH!”
Wild Bill tapped the mammoth on the shoulder. He turned his head while his right hand clenched my neck. “WHAT DO YOU WANT BILL? THIS IS YOUR NEPHEW? YOU BROUGHT A CHEAT IN HERE?”
Bill calmly said, “No Arnold, he’s not cheating. It’s honestly his first time ever playing. He just raised it to $325 preflop with jack 4 off. The dealer has been dealing here for years, there is no way he cheated.”
Arnold slowly turned his head back to me, gritting his teeth. “You’re lucky I respect Bill kid. Or I would rip you a new one.”
He released his suffocating clench around my neck. I gasped for air while collapsing onto the floor. The game resumed while I tried to recover from being strangled. A few minutes later, I came back to the table and looked down at my new stack of chips. It was only $3000.
Arnold smiled at me. “Table limits, Bart.”
I kind of had an idea I should have $4000 instead of $3000. But I kept my mouth shut in fear of getting killed. At least I won the pot, even though I never got to find out what Arnold had. That first hand taught me more about poker than any lesson could, not just in my heart, but in my soul.
